1. Love your door.
2. Love your floor.
3. Love your bedroom.
4. Love your chair.
5. Love your bed.
6. Love your bookshelf.
7. Commit suicide.
1. Leave all pretenses at the door
2. Explore the boundaries
of whatever you encounter.
3. Boldly go where other people have tried,
but failed to go.
4. Excel at your profession.
5. Learn how to tell art from horseshit.
6. Make a permanent mark in your field.
7. Profess beauty as the savior
and sole hope of humanity.
8. File for bankruptcy.
1. Walk around your home naked.
2. Bob your head back and forth.
3. Imitate the sound of a record skipping
right as James Brown goes ”Hey!”
4. Keep this up for a good eight or maybe nine hours.
5. Pay no attention to the incessant knocking
on your front door.
6. Sew your eyelids shut.
7. Turn on the stove.
8. Evade your neighbors
or the police
by exiting through a window.
9. Score yourself based on whether or not you survive the fall.
1. Open your window like you
open your eyes in the morning.
2. Open this box like you
open a heart unattached.
3. Open your hands like you
open a locked door.
4. Open your mouth like you
open a dying insect.
5. Open three restaurants,
all with miss spelled naimes.
6. Open a cold case
and drag your tongue
along the inside of its lid.
7. Open your door like you
open a line of reasoning.
8. Close the door as you
leave and slip a note under it.
9. Read the note out loud:
”Ceci n’est pas une
Short Game for Lonely People”
1. Visit an acquaintance who’s sick and in need of care.
2. Place their bed north and south, not cross ways.
3. Tie a bunch of mint around their wrists.
4. Put a piece of bacon on their forehead
(IF the bacon is cooked as a result of this,
it’s alright for you to eat it).
5. Sing your four favorite songs to put them to sleep.
6. Walk around their bed backwards seven times,
gathering all their valuables as you go.
7. Keep walking backwards,
rood eht tuo,
bac ixat a otni.
8. Tell the cab driver to keep the change.
1. Move the trash cans.
2. Move the cleaning products.
3. The brushes, towels, old newspapers, sponges, rags
— move them all out of the way.
4. Turn the lights off.
5. Stare at the cabinet
for the lo
6. Crawl inside.
7. Close the cabinet doors.
8. If no one calls you
or knocks on your front door
for at least three days,
you may leave the cabinet
and declare yourself the winner of the game.
1. Bolt the doors.
2. Cover the windows.
3. Put in the earplugs.
4. Put on your kevlar.
5. Load your revolver.
6. Load your assault rifle.
7. Start reciting the incantation.
8. Head down into the basement.
9. Don’t look it in the eyes.
10. Spray and pray.
1. Trace the outline of your chin with a shovel.
2. Get a bucket of ice.
3. Paint a train station pink.
4. Paint a hospital black (all of it — black beds; black sheets; black journals; black televisions; black floors; black ceiling-mounted speakers; black wheelchairs; black IV tubes; black windows; black kitchenette; black doors; black lung diseases; black broken ribs and punctured lungs; black hearts; black feet; black eyes; black sores; black bruises; black nurses and doctors; black visitors and patients; black cab drivers and ambulance medics; black bibles; black knives and sharp needles; black hopes; black despair; black cancer; black MS; black alcoholism; black delusions; black depression; black surgery; black ulcers; black fractures and splinters; black head trauma; black stab wounds; black cardiac arrests; black pills; black liquid medicine; black band aids; black chairs; black bandages; black disinfectants; black tourniquets; black flash bulbs; black laundry; black breakfast, lunch and dinner; black stethoscopes, black hopes)
5. Forge your own signature and use it to buy a house.
6. Paint the house red.
7. Paint the house blue.
8. Trace the outline of your heart with a black needle.
9. Swallow the needle.
10. Ask someone who has lived more than you to score you based on your performance.